It’s been some time since my last post, so I have a lot to catch up on. It is easy to get caught up in life and the next thing you know a week or a month has gone by. That’s life I guess.
I celebrated 3 months out a couple of days ago, I didn’t really celebrate just watched a movie, but that beats what I was doing 4 months ago. I think less and less about that place I called home for a quarter of my life. Truth be told I have already forgotten the names of friends I had for years. Is this good or does it mean we were never really friends?
Friday, March 6, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I Lost ....But i was the real winner.
If you have been following this little blog than you know there are some entries no longer here. I decided to delete them and start fresh, not over, just fresh. I figured a couple things out and that has helped me come back here and write once again. I know I said I wouldn’t, but to be honest I have missed it.
Last night was family dinner and game night, now I have not been home long thus I have not been apart of that many. The first few I attended were very strange to me. But my family being who they are {the greatest one ever} they made sure to include me and one person above all others went the extra mile for me. To that person I say thank you.
But last night was a little different I brought a friend with me and had the best time ever, not because I brought this friend. No that’s not true it was because I brought this friend but it was also because of who my family is to allow me to bring her they made this person feel very comfortable and that meant a lot to me. I can only hope there will be more nights like last night. Even though I lost the game { damn Pictionary Man} it was the best loss every because of the two people on my team.
Last night was family dinner and game night, now I have not been home long thus I have not been apart of that many. The first few I attended were very strange to me. But my family being who they are {the greatest one ever} they made sure to include me and one person above all others went the extra mile for me. To that person I say thank you.
But last night was a little different I brought a friend with me and had the best time ever, not because I brought this friend. No that’s not true it was because I brought this friend but it was also because of who my family is to allow me to bring her they made this person feel very comfortable and that meant a lot to me. I can only hope there will be more nights like last night. Even though I lost the game { damn Pictionary Man} it was the best loss every because of the two people on my team.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
New me
I always new that when I walked out into the world once again free that things would be different. But the truth of the matter is they are not that much different, what is different is me.
Now don’t get me wrong the world has changed a great deal over the years. I was away long enough to not recognize my own town. The man I am today is far different from the one I once was, but I may be the only one that knows it.
OK. That’s not true, anyone that knows me today knows I am not the man they had heard stories about, but no one that knows me now, knew me then. So in that regard I am the only one that has seen my true change. I grew up in a place I wouldn’t wish upon anyone, but it took that place to make me who and what I am today.
Now don’t get me wrong the world has changed a great deal over the years. I was away long enough to not recognize my own town. The man I am today is far different from the one I once was, but I may be the only one that knows it.
OK. That’s not true, anyone that knows me today knows I am not the man they had heard stories about, but no one that knows me now, knew me then. So in that regard I am the only one that has seen my true change. I grew up in a place I wouldn’t wish upon anyone, but it took that place to make me who and what I am today.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
I Can't Out Run My Past
When I walked out of prison a few months ago I never thought it would be this hard to tell someone where I had been. I have always said and told my self that I don’t care what people think about me. But I think we all do to some degree. We all want to be liked by others, and I am, right up to the moment a share the truth. That’s when I can hear it in their voices and see it in their eyes.
I was 24 when I committed my crime, and I Stood in that court room by my self, 500 miles from home… alone. But I stood there ready to deal with what I had done. I stood there like a man and when the judge said one hundred and eight months to two hundred and ten. I didn’t cry or bat an eye; I knew that I had gotten what I deserved. I did everyday of my 9 years with the thought that one day it would be over and even though 9 years is a lot longer than it sounded that day in the court room. It did end, I did come home, and I am working on putting my life in order. But the one thing I brought with me from inside those walls is that feeling of loneliness.
I have a great family, one couldn’t ask for better than mine. I could never repay all they have done for me, not that they would ever ask. But late at night when I am alone in my bed, it’s then that I realize I am still a prisoner…..a prisoner to my past.
I was 24 when I committed my crime, and I Stood in that court room by my self, 500 miles from home… alone. But I stood there ready to deal with what I had done. I stood there like a man and when the judge said one hundred and eight months to two hundred and ten. I didn’t cry or bat an eye; I knew that I had gotten what I deserved. I did everyday of my 9 years with the thought that one day it would be over and even though 9 years is a lot longer than it sounded that day in the court room. It did end, I did come home, and I am working on putting my life in order. But the one thing I brought with me from inside those walls is that feeling of loneliness.
I have a great family, one couldn’t ask for better than mine. I could never repay all they have done for me, not that they would ever ask. But late at night when I am alone in my bed, it’s then that I realize I am still a prisoner…..a prisoner to my past.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Watching the world change
In my life time i have only voted once, and it was years ago. I've spent the last 9 years locked in a room the size of most people's bathroom and the news and current events meant nothing to me. I have gone years with out watching the news,that is no exaggeration.
I was not only in prison i was in one so far from home that the news made no sense to me. But now things in the world are changing and I'm here to witness it and that is the greatest feeling in the world. I may not agree with the way the world is changing, but like it or not it is changing . My point is ... it is awesome to be home and see it. Also to hear my younger brother voice his opinions, that makes me smile the most.
No matter what direction our country takes I'll be here for it and i will be with my family through it all. What more can a guy in my shoes ask for?
I was not only in prison i was in one so far from home that the news made no sense to me. But now things in the world are changing and I'm here to witness it and that is the greatest feeling in the world. I may not agree with the way the world is changing, but like it or not it is changing . My point is ... it is awesome to be home and see it. Also to hear my younger brother voice his opinions, that makes me smile the most.
No matter what direction our country takes I'll be here for it and i will be with my family through it all. What more can a guy in my shoes ask for?
Monday, January 12, 2009
Friends lost
Being lonely is the worst thing in the world. I spent years locked away dreaming of freedom and
when I could dream no more, I just stopped sleeping. And when freedom was at last granted to me I came home to a world that had forgotten me and now I find myself playing a game of catch up, and losing badly.
I use to sit in that hell I called home for all those years and wonder how can people keep coming back here? And now I am free, and know the answer ...... this world is cold to people like me! The funny thing is I am one of the lucky ones. I have family and friends to help me and to show me the way in this strange world, but not all people like me do, its those people I feel for the most. I have many friends in that place of cold steel and loneliness, friends I hope to never see again!
when I could dream no more, I just stopped sleeping. And when freedom was at last granted to me I came home to a world that had forgotten me and now I find myself playing a game of catch up, and losing badly.
I use to sit in that hell I called home for all those years and wonder how can people keep coming back here? And now I am free, and know the answer ...... this world is cold to people like me! The funny thing is I am one of the lucky ones. I have family and friends to help me and to show me the way in this strange world, but not all people like me do, its those people I feel for the most. I have many friends in that place of cold steel and loneliness, friends I hope to never see again!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Through my eyes
I have endured some of mankind's most wicked creations and lived to tell the tale of a man who lost not just his way,but his sanity,and his will to carry on. I have been slandered by those who claim to be just,and tormented by those who claim to be righteous.They say that experience defines who and what we are. So in light of that, I am thief, drug addict, liar and one who embraces the concept of sin. Their definition of my character is neither impartial nor objective; it,s biased! It,s odd how often overlook a thousand acts of kindness when faced with one simple act of deception. Love can easily be forgotten if a lie is brought to light. Suspicions hide in the darkness just waiting for the proper moment to crumble the foundations of trust that we work so hard to preserve. why is the negative so permanent and the positive so temporary? How could a man spend his entire life as a good natured person and only be remembered for his shortcomings and failures? As humans, we are all so indefinitely flawed.We thrive upon the misery and tears of those who have no other option than to surrender.
Their despair is comforting because it reminds us that we are all weak and powerless inside.Our gossip is laced with venom that poisons the purest of hearts,and leaves others to wallow in their defeat.With words we plague. Even an honest man's accomplishments can defile his honor and integrity.
Why is wickedness always lurking in the shadows of our minds? Evilness is something that can be easily achieved without much effort, but divinity is something that you must strive for, and even then can be as illusive as a smile from a stranger. On this road of life, we step over those who have fallen, and we laugh at those who cry. The war between good and evil has been raging since man's creation; it resides inside all of us.There are casualties and there are survives. But , no matter what side you chose, you will always be torn between the two.
This is evident by the fact that nothing attracts us more than sex and violence. We gather in great numbers to watch a fight in the hopes of seeing blood, and then in our infinite wisdom, we punish those who act out in aggression.
I've walked these battle grounds of condemned men rejected by society. I've dwelled among the living dead who have no tears to give. Their eyes are as hollow as your promises, their souls as black as midnight, and the scent of death is lingering from their open wounds, caused by words of hate . This world is purgatory. It is neither heaven nor hell, but rather a holding facility for those who are deemed unmanageable. How tragic a society is that changes itself so fast and so often, that even the most brilliant minds of our time have difficulty making sense of things. And for those who cannot adjust, we banish them to a world that we fabricated from madness and stone. It's there that they become further removed from a world they never understood in the first place. It's there where they understand what selfishness is really about. It's there that a man realized that all he really has is his thoughts , ideas and his pride. And when man that dares to think for himself and sees the world for what it truly is; we label him rebellious. Thoughts do not advocate extreme measures, actions do!!
People will look upon me with judgmental eyes and find that i am morally objectionable, foul, and even horrid person who defiled the innocence of his fellow man by walking down the wrong path. But, they have created an illusion where they can only see what they want to see. It's the negative, the sorrow and the pain they associate with my face. They know not of the times that I've made others smile or helped others in need , for they see those as just momentary gestures of kindness from a wicked man.
Am i evil? NO, i am not! but to live in the flesh is a sin within itself. despite our commitments to honesty and virtue, evil dwells deep inside the soul of every living man. some just hide it better than others.One day i shall perish along with the labels that you've placed upon me, but i take comfort in the fact that on my judgment day i will answer to a power than you and i !
Their despair is comforting because it reminds us that we are all weak and powerless inside.Our gossip is laced with venom that poisons the purest of hearts,and leaves others to wallow in their defeat.With words we plague. Even an honest man's accomplishments can defile his honor and integrity.
Why is wickedness always lurking in the shadows of our minds? Evilness is something that can be easily achieved without much effort, but divinity is something that you must strive for, and even then can be as illusive as a smile from a stranger. On this road of life, we step over those who have fallen, and we laugh at those who cry. The war between good and evil has been raging since man's creation; it resides inside all of us.There are casualties and there are survives. But , no matter what side you chose, you will always be torn between the two.
This is evident by the fact that nothing attracts us more than sex and violence. We gather in great numbers to watch a fight in the hopes of seeing blood, and then in our infinite wisdom, we punish those who act out in aggression.
I've walked these battle grounds of condemned men rejected by society. I've dwelled among the living dead who have no tears to give. Their eyes are as hollow as your promises, their souls as black as midnight, and the scent of death is lingering from their open wounds, caused by words of hate . This world is purgatory. It is neither heaven nor hell, but rather a holding facility for those who are deemed unmanageable. How tragic a society is that changes itself so fast and so often, that even the most brilliant minds of our time have difficulty making sense of things. And for those who cannot adjust, we banish them to a world that we fabricated from madness and stone. It's there that they become further removed from a world they never understood in the first place. It's there where they understand what selfishness is really about. It's there that a man realized that all he really has is his thoughts , ideas and his pride. And when man that dares to think for himself and sees the world for what it truly is; we label him rebellious. Thoughts do not advocate extreme measures, actions do!!
People will look upon me with judgmental eyes and find that i am morally objectionable, foul, and even horrid person who defiled the innocence of his fellow man by walking down the wrong path. But, they have created an illusion where they can only see what they want to see. It's the negative, the sorrow and the pain they associate with my face. They know not of the times that I've made others smile or helped others in need , for they see those as just momentary gestures of kindness from a wicked man.
Am i evil? NO, i am not! but to live in the flesh is a sin within itself. despite our commitments to honesty and virtue, evil dwells deep inside the soul of every living man. some just hide it better than others.One day i shall perish along with the labels that you've placed upon me, but i take comfort in the fact that on my judgment day i will answer to a power than you and i !
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