I Lost ....But i was the real winner.

If you have been following this little blog than you know there are some entries no longer here. I decided to delete them and start fresh, not over, just fresh. I figured a couple things out and that has helped me come back here and write once again. I know I said I wouldn’t, but to be honest I have missed it.

Last night was family dinner and game night, now I have not been home long thus I have not been apart of that many. The first few I attended were very strange to me. But my family being who they are {the greatest one ever} they made sure to include me and one person above all others went the extra mile for me. To that person I say thank you.

But last night was a little different I brought a friend with me and had the best time ever, not because I brought this friend. No that’s not true it was because I brought this friend but it was also because of who my family is to allow me to bring her they made this person feel very comfortable and that meant a lot to me. I can only hope there will be more nights like last night. Even though I lost the game { damn Pictionary Man} it was the best loss every because of the two people on my team.

New me

I always new that when I walked out into the world once again free that things would be different. But the truth of the matter is they are not that much different, what is different is me.

Now don’t get me wrong the world has changed a great deal over the years. I was away long enough to not recognize my own town. The man I am today is far different from the one I once was, but I may be the only one that knows it.

OK. That’s not true, anyone that knows me today knows I am not the man they had heard stories about, but no one that knows me now, knew me then. So in that regard I am the only one that has seen my true change. I grew up in a place I wouldn’t wish upon anyone, but it took that place to make me who and what I am today.

I Can't Out Run My Past

When I walked out of prison a few months ago I never thought it would be this hard to tell someone where I had been. I have always said and told my self that I don’t care what people think about me. But I think we all do to some degree. We all want to be liked by others, and I am, right up to the moment a share the truth. That’s when I can hear it in their voices and see it in their eyes.

I was 24 when I committed my crime, and I Stood in that court room by my self, 500 miles from home… alone. But I stood there ready to deal with what I had done. I stood there like a man and when the judge said one hundred and eight months to two hundred and ten. I didn’t cry or bat an eye; I knew that I had gotten what I deserved. I did everyday of my 9 years with the thought that one day it would be over and even though 9 years is a lot longer than it sounded that day in the court room. It did end, I did come home, and I am working on putting my life in order. But the one thing I brought with me from inside those walls is that feeling of loneliness.

I have a great family, one couldn’t ask for better than mine. I could never repay all they have done for me, not that they would ever ask. But late at night when I am alone in my bed, it’s then that I realize I am still a prisoner…..a prisoner to my past.